Saturday, October 1, 2011

My First Quarter...

I had an epiphany today.  I am coming to the end of the first quarter of my life and I am amazed at how much I have learned.  From birth to the age of 21, I think we have a tendency to feel we are unstoppable.  Nothing can touch us and if something bad does happen, we bounce right back.  Once I reached my senior year in undergrad, I began to realize that this mentality is not real...

I started seeing the world with a different perspective.  I was now an adult and I was now fending for myself.  Instead of depending on my parents, I had to start depending on God and my abilities to live my life.  Somewhere during this outlook of my life, I forgot my worth.  I forgot that I was priceless.  I forgot that I deserve to be treated with respect and loved in spite of my faults and weaknesses.

This entire year, I feel like I have completely turned my life around.  God had to allow the bad things to happen so the blinders would come off and I could see who and what was in front of me without bias.  I'm still pushing forward and upward even though I still have struggles. For the first time in my life, I am happy...even when I am sad or angry, I can't stay in this emotional state for very long.  I am genuinely joyful in the present moments and happy to know that God has my future laced with bright lights....so here's to the next Quarter!!

Saturday, September 17, 2011

On This Month In 2010....

So Facebook has this new application that tells you what your status was in 2010.  Normally, it's pretty interesting but the month of September has been a month I didn't realize I was not looking forward to going down memory lane...

September 7th was our designated anniversary, and apparently I put all my issues aside to feign happiness and wish him "happy anniversary..." What the hell did we have to celebrate?  Me losing my job and having to move back in with my parents or was it the fact you cheated on me multiple times?  I know I can't change my past and there is no reason to beat myself up over something that is over and done with, but it feels like all aspects of my life have thrown me right back into the thoughts and emotions I was dealing with at this time.

I don't want to go back to having to beg someone to spend time with me; someone who used me for what I could and would do for them because I loved them; someone who didn't believe that my heart was worthy enough to be taken care of...

It's been almost 11 months since I left and yet it still hurts.  Ironically, the reason I'm hurting has nothing to do with him.  I'm hurting, because somewhere down the line, I forgot my worth.  I decided it was ok for this man to cheat, lie, and take over, over and over again.  I NEVER want to be here again!

As of today, you are no longer welcome in my heart or in my head.  As you never loved me, I want it to be as if I had never known you.  The slate has been wiped clean...you're done and so am I...

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Quarter-Life Crisis: Now What?


Kin and I celebrating my 25th Birthday

The onset of my friend, Cass', quarter birthday has caused me to reflect on my 25th year as it is coming to a close in the next few months.  This year has been hard and emotionally stressful.  However, despite all that has transpired, I can't bring myself to change anything.  These life lessons had a purpose and I hope I am doing them justice.  I am truly thankful for a loving God, family and friends that have helped me through these last several months.  I finally walked away from an aspect in my life that did nothing but hinder me and my future. It hurt like hell and to some degree it still hurts now, but nine months later, I can actually breathe again.  I can smile again.  More than anything, I see the positive over the negative majority of the time.  I didn't realize how much this toxic "thing" affected my life...

I'm finally obtaining the opportunities to indulge in my passion, my music.  I'm beginning to feel whole in my life and I'm nowhere near where I am supposed to be.  Even on a bad day, I can smile, laugh and just be joyful.

Instead of asking what's wrong people are wondering why I smile so much.  It's truly uplifting...

I'm now at the point where I am excited about life...so now what?  This is the question every other week that takes over my thought process.  I'm not really anxious or having a panic attack, but I'm just interested to see what this next chapter in my life will bring.  What is life like on the other side of 25 when you're single, no kids, no relationship, and still trying to carve your niche in this world?

Inquiring minds, or just me, would love some insight...

Monday, April 4, 2011

If this was your last chance...


It figures this post would be about you, but so be it.  We spent four years of our lives together.  You literally knew me better than I knew myself in many aspects of my life.  You could articulate what I was thinking, feeling, before I verbalized it.  I used to think that you and I were it for each other.  Home.  The One.

Somewhere down the line I became unworthy of your love, support, friendship...Music and other women were more important than "home."  When everything was on the line and it was your last chance to save us, you chose to let me walk away and moved on to a shiny new toy.

You weren't happy and yet you stayed longer than you really should have for either one of us.  How many times did you walk away and come back?  How many times did I let you?  The sad part is, you left me long before I physically walked away from "us."

It's been five months and I don't regret it, but I'd like to know how long it is going to take to purge you out of my system? You loved me according to your standards, not mine.  I'm ready to move on and allow someone who is deserving of my time to love me and take care of my heart.  I don't know if our relationship was my lesson, your lesson, or just a bump in the road of our lives.

Ironically, the first time I heard Last Chance was in the car with you...You sang it to me, and I really thought you meant every single word that Ginuwine sang, but it was just another ploy to keep me in line.  I came across it tonight and cried.  I haven't cried about you in about month, and when I try not to think about you, your face creeps back up in my thoughts.

You had your last chance and you purposely sabotaged us...
I deserve better.  I want better.  I don't wish you ill will, but I have no desire to see, hear from or about you again.  The only way to deal with this heartbreak is to go through it, and because you were my first intense love, I'm forever changed.  I don't hate you for it, but I still wonder why I had to go through you to get to my next step...

-Rejected Daughter

Wednesday, November 29th, 2006

"Happy 21st Birthday dear!  My intention for this journal is to allow you to begin and continue your 'metamorphosis' in life-transition's through triumphs and tribulations, a written record that will one day touch millions of hearts- I love you!" --D. J.